eighteen burning candles
each one marking a year of your life wasted
another reminder that you keep growing older
despite your best efforts not to

eighteen careful incisions
made into your skin
to mark eighteen years of being a failure, a fuckup, a mess
of not being what they wanted you to be
of not living up to your Potential

eighteen years of wasting away
but you never thought you would make it this far
truly believed in the back of your mind that you would be dead by now
just another thing you couldn’t do right

eighteen miserable years
and this day spent on the bathroom floor
sobbing in a heap as the clock strikes twelve
a vile concoction of drugs pulsing through your veins
blood dripping on the tile
head in the toilet
silently willing your body to die

happy fucking birthday

I.

born into chaos

you were meant for destruction —

of yourself, of your family
like the woman who birthed you.
sabotage runs through your veins like blood

II. 

something darkens your world,

your soul
an unspeakable act, a trauma —

it flips a switch inside you
boils your blood, tightens your skin
awakens a sleeping beast within you

the mind forgets, but the body does not

III.
history often repeats itself,
but you will not be like her
it is not your birthright to become your mother
though the blood you share may be tainted,
your mind is stronger

IV.
carve it into your skin,
your bones —
“you do not control me.”

sickeningly
average,
mind-numbingly
boring

how terrible to be something
so plain

you hunger for attention
and yet
you go to great lengths
to starve yourself of it
and disappear from sight

this mask you wear
is fooling everyone.

this is not the life you were meant to live
you were not made
to spend your days
locked in your room
alone in the dark
or on the bathroom floor
crying
with bloodshot eyes
raw throat and
scratched knuckles

your life was not meant
to be dictated by
numbers
while you dwindle away
a worthless attempt
to escape the heaviness

this is not the life you were meant to live
and this is not living
you are not perfect
you are sad
pathetic
sick

get up
pull yourself out of this hell
stop running from your problems
and trying to get rid of them
by destroying yourself

find who you are and what you love
live the life you were meant to live
because this
this is not the life you were meant to live

i tried to crawl out of my skin
leaving scars
painted across the canvas
of a body that i never wanted,
never asked for

i tried to shape it into something that could be beautiful
but it came out
ruined and mottled and uglier than before

i have a feeling that there is something dark
underneath my skin
in the deepest part of me
that is tainting everything else
making it impossible for anything to grow

it is rotting me
from the inside out

child of the universe
you were an endless wanderer
searching for something that couldn’t be found
you got lost somewhere along the way
traveled off the path
but you found your way back
emerging
stronger than before

she was only a child
with bright eyes and
hair so long
down to her knees
(so young, so young)

full of life and promise
adventure and courage
she was fearless and wild
she wanted to be everything
could have been anything

but they took the light
from her eyes
and cut her hair short
stole all of her courage
and left her cowering in fear

they broke her and left her
with vacant eyes
a mind full of terror
and a heart
full of doubt

they stole her youth
her innocence
and left her feeling dirty
vile
disgusting

they emptied her
of everything that she was
and could have been
leaving only a hollow shell
of who she used to be

she was only a child